Infinitely alone
by bloodymary2
Summary: In the end, I finished where I started… Alone. A character insight from Darius Parker Screwed. R&R!


**DISCLAIMER**: These wonderful characters do not belong to me. This amazing show does not belong to me. The episode 'Screwed' does not belong to me. And now that I am depressed, for I own nothing, I beg TPTB not to sue. As I have previously state… Nothing belongs to me bursts into tears 

**A/N**: You know that scene at the end of the season finale, where Darius Parker stands, alone, in front of the courthouse? I felt for him then. Sure, he is a cruel murderer and a master puppeteer, but I still felt the deep sadness surrounding him in that instant. This is my view of that moment.

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**INFINITELY ALONE**

By bloodymary2

_I am a victim of circumstance…_

My father, a cruel rapist, if that cannot be considered redundancy, forced my existence upon my mother without looking back. He held no remorse for what he did. No, he went on with his life, like nothing had happened at all, unaware or uncaring of the destruction left in his wake.

My mother, too wrapped up in her own pain and desperation, abandoned me without a second thought. She denied me completely. I was never her son and she didn't want to even bare the sight of me. For her, the only mistake I made was being born, but she never forgave me for it.

_I am a survivor…_

I fell in with a bad crowd early in life. I may have been, then, unaware of this sordid history, my sordid history, but I had spent my entire short life feeling the burden of it. Oppressed by the rejection. Suffocated by the isolation. Nevertheless, I grew pass it. I overcame my inherited shortcomings and here I am today. Certainly not perfect, but still here… Standing.

_Barely._

When I discovered the truth, half whispered by the dying lips of the one person, who loved me for me and whom I had allowed myself to love, I broke. Tears fell freely from my eyes like never before, completely beyond my capacity to suppress them. I was drowning in dry land, feeling like I couldn't do it anymore. Live.

_I killed them…_

In a moment of intense rage I had a glimpse of possibility. I saw that woman and her little kid, so happy, so picture perfect. It represented everything I had never had and would never have. The unfairness of it all made my anger intensify infinitively, until I reached my boiling point. I snapped. I let all the hatred out as I brutally made her pay for mistakes she had nothing to do with.

_I died a little then…_

After the moment had passed, as I stood over her dead body, I understood what I had done. The incredible amount of blood pooled on the floor around her and splattered on the walls, the testimony of my terrible mistake. The unseeing eyes staring up at me, proof of my guilt. I thought of running. I stayed. I thought of turning myself in. I didn't.

_And the kid…_

Frightened in the corner, silent. He showed no intention of moving. In his eyes I saw myself. There was no future for him, I of all people knew. So, I took him. I grabbed hold of her unusually heavy body and I buried them. Out of mind, out of sight. Or so I had thought…

The guilt, the mistake seemed to stalk me everywhere I went, unforgiving in its persistence for justice. There would never be justice for her and her little kid, though, because dead people don't speak and murders can't be proven without bodies. I had resigned myself to carrying this secret forever.

_Until the burden got too heavy…_

Until I got drunk and spilled the beans to someone, who believed in my words. Until I got tired and let my secret out to someone, who refused to stand by and do nothing. That's what brought me here, standing in front of the court house, cameras surrounding me, barely being kept back by the police.

When the precipice came rushing to me and the certainty of falling equaled that of breathing, I made the decision. I was not going to fall alone. Every dirty little secret from the 16th precinct was going to be dragged out of the shadows for all to see. Every detective involved in my case had a secret in their closets, just waiting for me find them.

_And find them I did…_

The danger of being voted guilty by that gullible jury was nothing compared to the great satisfaction I got from every single dent I managed to make in the armor of that stupid little family of cops. Fin's career, Stabler's family… I just regret allowing Benson to escape. Even Cragen felt the backlash of my perfectly executed plan. And I still escaped scot-free from all charges.

_Innocent on all accounts… _

My glory, however, was short lived. Although I stood tall above all of them, in the end, I couldn't help but feel a bitter taste in the back of my mouth. What did all my success bring me?

_Nothing…_

For all I fought, for all I conquered, I remained still alone. My mother had admitted to her sins, sure, but she still refused me. My father, my grandfather, if I choose to really believe her, is long dead and continues to bring nothing but pain. Ken, my brother, my only friend looked at me, today, with such disdain, shinning in his eyes. He chose to walk away. I didn't let it show, but that hurt. A lot.

And Fin was right.

He is going to go on with his life; they all are, leaving me to dwell in this small moment of glory forever. They'll forget me, at the same that I will never be able to forget them. How screwed up is that anyway? The unfairness of life hits me again now.

And instead of feeling anger, like I did before, the only feeling echoing in my soul now is emptiness. Standing, cold, on this chilly afternoon in New York, I begin to doubt myself. The certainty of before has faded and left a gaping hole in its wake…

_Because I conquered nothing._

In the end, I finished where I started…

_Alone. _

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